Relationships

These are easy to say, hard to do.

  • Self Awareness is key.

  • Communication is key.

  • Managing and setting expectations is key.

    • Know your expectations.

  • This is generally for romantic relationships, can work for platonic relationships.

Keywords

Communication:

Values:

Dependability:

Empathy:

Fun:

General

  • Know your boundaries.

  • Make each other laugh, always.

  • Chemistry is important.

  • Short term is important. (Honeymoon, Chemistry, Energy)

  • Long term is important. (Sustainably)

  • If you don't have the short term, then you have to figure out how to survive the long term.

  • Its ok to put pressure on each other, you both can grow from it. Be aware of the pressure you apply on each other.

  • What childhood pains are you both going through?

  • Experiment to figure out how to work with each other.

  • Learn to be independent.

  • Learn to be together.

  • Reciprocate love.

  • Work as a team. "Us against the world"

  • The highs are easy. The lows are hard.

  • Real life relationships are not a Disney fairy tale.

    • They take real work.

    • Relationships are not easy.

  • It's the small things.

  • It's the big things.

Things

  • Remembering to reciprocate

Small Things

  • Wishing good morning, good night

Big Things

  • Remembering birthdays

  • Empathy

  • Reciprocation

  • Apologies

The Hard Parts

  • Being together and being Independent.

  • The small differences between you two will amplify over time.

  • Alignment or acceptance of values.

  • Working as a team.

Do's, Dont's and Willpower

Do's

  • Do know yourself.

  • Do speak up.

  • Do always try to make each other laugh.

  • Do be sensitive.

  • Do lean in to the discomfort.

  • Do invite the person out.

  • Do always show appreciation.

  • Do be conscious.

Dont's

  • Don't let fear consume you.

  • Don't be afraid of each other.

  • Don't repress yourself.

  • Don't shy away.

  • Don't numb yourself.

  • Don't run away.

  • Don't push away.

  • Don't bottle up.

  • Don't bottle emotions.

  • Don't be insensitive.

  • Don't be a pushover.

  • Don't sulk.

  • Don't be reactionary.

  • Don't be automatic.

Willpower

All of these will require willpower.

  • Willpower is very important.

    • Know how to recharge your willpower.

Take Care Of Yourself, Then Take Care Of Your Partner

  • Know yourself.

    • The better you know yourself.

    • The better you can know your partner.

    • The better you can empathize with your partner.

  • Know how you want to be loved?

  • Do your values align?

    • If not, can you live with the differences in values?

  • You can only love your partner. If you can love yourself.

    • Do you love yourself?

  • Can you forgive yourself?

  • Can they take care of themselves.

    • How do they take care of themselves?

    • If they can't take care of themselves, can they take care of you.

  • Your partner will never complete you. Only you can complete yourself. Your partner can help you complete yourself.

  • Your mood will effect your partners mood.

  • Accept imperfections. Yours, and theirs.

Shared Interests/Goals

  • Helps in the short term.

  • Helps you connect with each other.

  • Gives you something to talk about.

  • Gives you something common to talk about.

  • Do you have shared short term goals?

  • Do you have shared long term goals?

  • Are you working together as a team towards that?

Starting a New Relationship / Short Term / Fun / Play

Keywords:

  • Non commitment

  • Fun

  • Play

  • Friendship

  • Are you friends with each other?

  • How do you set each other up for success?

  • Define expectations.

    • How independent/dependent do you want each other to be?

    • How do you work best with each other?

    • How do you work as a team?

  • How do you help to complete each other?

  • How do you help each other on your spiritual journey?

  • How do you help each other out?

  • Do relationships come naturally to you?

    • The more out of sync you are, the more unnatural it will be.

  • Do both of you know how to have a relationship?

    • What have you learned about being in a relationship?

    • What do you need to learn?

    • How can you learn it?

    • Share your learnings?

  • Do you accept each other, for who they currently are?

  • How similar are you?

    • Values. Goals. Interests. Habits. Culture.

    • The more similar, the better.

    • You don't want, and don't need 100% similarity.

    • Some dissimilarity is important.

      • So you can learn from each other.

      • So you can grow.

    • Similarity is important, so you can quickly get along.

  • Is this someone you can work with?

  • Short term relationships focuses on shared interests.

  • What baggage are each of you carrying?

    • Becareful of carrying more baggage.

    • What emotional baggage...

  • How do you move from fun to work?

  • The space from each other is where you grow.

    • Physical and mental space.

    • Only if you choose to grow within that space.

    • Living apart from each other gives that space.

Maintenance / Long Term / Work

Keywords:

  • Compromise

  • Commitment

  • Work

  • Responsibility

  • Accountability

  • Reciprocation

  • Apologies

  • Maintenance

  • Team

  • Partnership

  • Shared Goals

  • Sacrifice

  • Be prepared for routine. Enjoy some of the routine. Add excitement, spice, serendipity, but don't over do it. Don't force it.

  • Do you make time for each other?

  • Reciprocate.

  • Do you sacrifice for each other?

  • Do you make each other happy?

  • Do you make each other laugh?

  • Do you support each other?

  • Can you survive each others lows?

  • Have to grow through the seasons together.

  • Long term relationships focuses on shared goals.

Sharing

  • Share fun.

  • Share play.

  • Share gratitude.

  • Share happiness.

  • Share victories.

  • Share joys.

  • Share success.

  • Share learnings.

  • Share burden.

  • Share sorrows.

Long Distance Relationships (LDR)

  • Communication is key.

  • Communication is even more important.

  • With less physical time with each other, there will be less pressure.

  • Communication with each other is important.

  • Having something common to talk about is even more important.

  • Time Zone Difference:

    • Cons: Different energies when you connect

    • Reciprocation is harder

    • Harder to be in sync (energy, emotions, intellectually, etc...)

    • Harder to share things

  • You can't "invite" the person out.

    • The power of invitation: Makes them feel wanted.

  • No matter the timeline, you are immediately thrown into a "long term relationship" mode.

  • Try over sharing.

  • Dedicate a private time to talk to each other.

    • Not while driving in the car.

    • In a completely relaxing atmosphere.

  • Easier to grow apart.

Breaking Up

  • Hard to get back together.

  • Best is complete silence. Clean cut.

  • Consider it as mostly final.

    • Yes there are success stories of people getting back together.

  • Going on and off repeatedly is painful. (Breaks)

    • Leaves the relationship open ended.

    • Status is unknown.

    • Drags on the relationship.

Red Flags

  • Disrespect of boundaries. Yours and their owns.

    • Theirs: shows lack of their discipline

  • Emotional games

  • Emotional manipulation

  • Entitlement

  • Guilt tripping

  • Hypocrisy

  • Invasion of privacy

  • Making excuses for everything

  • People who want a "win/lose" scenario

  • Projection of insecurities

  • Seeks "revenge" or "payback"

  • Highly competitive, in a bad way.

More

When It's Failing

  • Self Awareness

  • Communication

  • Be conscious. Be aware.

  • Stop being reactive and automatic.

  • Requires work from both people.

Do either of you want it to work out?

  • If you do, both of you need to figure out how.

  • Acknowledge that it is going to take work, and time.

  • Classical/Practical Me says: If you don't. End it now.

  • Romantic Me says: Fight for it. Figure out how long you can fight and sustain it for.

  • Ask each other: How is each other working on the relationship?

    • It requires efforts from both sides.

    • Fails when only one person does it.

  • Are you both going to work on it.

  • Run experiments to figure out how to work with each other.

When You Think It's Failing

Ask yourself:

  • What is your relationship with yourself?

  • Do you love yourself?

  • What is your sense of self worth?

  • What about yourself are you projecting?

  • What are you projecting?

  • What fears are you projecting? Why?

  • What are your childhood wounds?

  • Who do you get relationship advice from?

  • Are you better of as friends?

When They Think It's Failing

  • Do they love themselves?

  • What insecurity are they projecting about themselves?

  • What are their childhood wounds?

  • Who do you they relationship advice from?

Both of You

  • How much hard work are you willing to put into this relationship?

  • What hard work are both of you going to put in?

  • The more out of sync you are, the more hard work both of you are going to have to put in.

  • See section above on "Starting a New Relationship"

The Fun

  • Don't forget to have fun.

  • Learn how to have fun with each other.

  • Learn to play with each other play.

The Hard Work

  • It might not work out.

  • It will take time.

    • Do you have the patience?

    • Do you have the energy?

    • Do you have the resources?

  • It's going to me be more scientific/analytical. Less Romantic. Brace for it.

  • It's not just going to work if you hope for it to. You have to work on it.

  • Share learnings. Communicate what works, and what doesn't work.

Exercises

Do these together.

If you don't want to work together, your relationship is going to fail. You have to work as a team.

For the Romantics

  • This is going to be dry. It's going to be harder work for you. It's not a Disney fairy tale. You are going to both have to work at it.

Taking a Break

  • Respect the boundaries.

  • A period of no expectations from one another.

  • Gives fresh perspective.

  • Get some breathing room.

  • Get back to healthy levels.

  • Set a check in time.

  • Work on yourself. Remember who you are.

  • Spend some time on yourself.

  • Work on the relationship.

  • Don't cheat on each other.

  • Don't date around.

  • Spend some time being independent.

  • Get to know what you want. What you need.

  • Come back with a plan to work together.

Keep In View

  • Sometimes it's better to be happily alone, than in a miserable relationship.

    • Sure it's nicer to be with someone, but is that misery worth it?

Resources

Books

The School Of Life