Relationships

These are easy to say, hard to do.

  • Self Awareness is key.

  • Communication is key.

  • Managing and setting expectations is key.

    • Know your expectations.
  • Questions Regarding Romantic Relationships

  • This is generally for romantic relationships, can work for platonic relationships.

#Table Of Contents

#Keywords

Communication:

Values:

Dependability:

Empathy:

Fun:

#General

  • Know your boundaries.

  • Make each other laugh, always.

  • Chemistry is important.

  • Short term is important. (Honeymoon, Chemistry, Energy)

  • Long term is important. (Sustainably)

  • If you don't have the short term, then you have to figure out how to survive the long term.

  • Its ok to put pressure on each other, you both can grow from it. Be aware of the pressure you apply on each other.

  • What childhood pains are you both going through?

  • Experiment to figure out how to work with each other.

  • Learn to be independent.

  • Learn to be together.

  • Reciprocate love.

  • Work as a team. "Us against the world"

  • The highs are easy. The lows are hard.

  • Real life relationships are not a Disney fairy tale.

    • They take real work.
    • Relationships are not easy.
  • It's the small things.

  • It's the big things.

#Things

  • Remembering to reciprocate

#Small Things

  • Wishing good morning, good night

#Big Things

  • Remembering birthdays
  • Empathy
  • Reciprocation
  • Apologies

#The Hard Parts

  • Being together and being Independent.
  • The small differences between you two will amplify over time.
  • Alignment or acceptance of values.
  • Working as a team.

#Do's, Dont's and Willpower

#Do's

  • Do know yourself.
  • Do speak up.
  • Do always try to make each other laugh.
  • Do be sensitive.
  • Do lean in to the discomfort.
  • Do invite the person out.
  • Do always show appreciation.
  • Do be conscious.

#Dont's

  • Don't let fear consume you.
  • Don't be afraid of each other.
  • Don't repress yourself.
  • Don't shy away.
  • Don't numb yourself.
  • Don't run away.
  • Don't push away.
  • Don't bottle up.
  • Don't bottle emotions.
  • Don't be insensitive.
  • Don't be a pushover.
  • Don't sulk.
  • Don't be reactionary.
  • Don't be automatic.

#Willpower

All of these will require willpower.

  • Willpower is very important.
  • Know how to recharge your willpower.

#Take Care Of Yourself, Then Take Care Of Your Partner

  • Know yourself.

    • The better you know yourself.
    • The better you can know your partner.
    • The better you can empathize with your partner.
  • Know how you want to be loved?

  • Do your values align?

    • If not, can you live with the differences in values?
  • You can only love your partner. If you can love yourself.

    • Do you love yourself?
  • Can you forgive yourself?

  • Can they take care of themselves.

    • How do they take care of themselves?
    • If they can't take care of themselves, can they take care of you.
  • Your partner will never complete you. Only you can complete yourself. Your partner can help you complete yourself.

  • Your mood will effect your partners mood.

  • Accept imperfections. Yours, and theirs.

#Shared Interests/Goals

  • Helps in the short term.

  • Helps you connect with each other.

  • Gives you something to talk about.

  • Gives you something common to talk about.

  • Do you have shared short term goals?

  • Do you have shared long term goals?

  • Are you working together as a team towards that?

#Starting a New Relationship / Short Term / Fun / Play

Keywords:

  • Non commitment

  • Fun

  • Play

  • Friendship

  • Are you friends with each other?

  • How do you set each other up for success?

  • Define expectations.

    • How independent/dependent do you want each other to be?
    • How do you work best with each other?
    • How do you work as a team?
  • How do you help to complete each other?

  • How do you help each other on your spiritual journey?

  • How do you help each other out?

  • Do relationships come naturally to you?

    • The more out of sync you are, the more unnatural it will be.
  • Do both of you know how to have a relationship?

    • What have you learned about being in a relationship?
    • What do you need to learn?
    • How can you learn it?
    • Share your learnings?
  • Do you accept each other, for who they currently are?

  • How similar are you?

    • Values. Goals. Interests. Habits. Culture.
    • The more similar, the better.
    • You don't want, and don't need 100% similarity.
    • Some dissimilarity is important. - So you can learn from each other. - So you can grow.
    • Similarity is important, so you can quickly get along.
  • Is this someone you can work with?

  • Short term relationships focuses on shared interests.

  • What baggage are each of you carrying?

    • Becareful of carrying more baggage.
    • What emotional baggage...
  • How do you move from fun to work?

  • The space from each other is where you grow.

    • Physical and mental space.
    • Only if you choose to grow within that space.
    • Living apart from each other gives that space.

#Maintenance / Long Term / Work

Keywords:

  • Compromise

  • Commitment

  • Work

  • Responsibility

  • Accountability

  • Reciprocation

  • Apologies

  • Maintenance

  • Team

  • Partnership

  • Shared Goals

  • Sacrifice

  • Be prepared for routine. Enjoy some of the routine. Add excitement, spice, serendipity, but don't over do it. Don't force it.

  • Do you make time for each other?

  • Reciprocate.

  • Do you sacrifice for each other?

  • Do you make each other happy?

  • Do you make each other laugh?

  • Do you support each other?

  • Can you survive each others lows?

  • Have to grow through the seasons together.

  • Long term relationships focuses on shared goals.

#Sharing

  • Share fun.
  • Share play.
  • Share gratitude.
  • Share happiness.
  • Share victories.
  • Share joys.
  • Share success.
  • Share learnings.
  • Share burden.
  • Share sorrows.

#Long Distance Relationships (LDR)

  • Communication is key.

  • Communication is even more important.

  • With less physical time with each other, there will be less pressure.

  • Communication with each other is important.

  • Having something common to talk about is even more important.

  • Time Zone Difference:

    • Cons: Different energies when you connect
    • Reciprocation is harder
    • Harder to be in sync (energy, emotions, intellectually, etc...)
    • Harder to share things
  • You can't "invite" the person out.

    • The power of invitation: Makes them feel wanted.
  • No matter the timeline, you are immediately thrown into a "long term relationship" mode.

  • Try over sharing.

  • Dedicate a private time to talk to each other.

    • Not while driving in the car.
    • In a completely relaxing atmosphere.
  • Easier to grow apart.

  • YouTube: The Advantages of Long-Distance Relationships

#Breaking Up

  • Hard to get back together.

  • Best is complete silence. Clean cut.

  • Consider it as mostly final.

    • Yes there are success stories of people getting back together.
  • Going on and off repeatedly is painful. (Breaks)

    • Leaves the relationship open ended.
    • Status is unknown.
    • Drags on the relationship.
  • YouTube: Can Exes Be Friends

  • YouTube: How To End A Relationship

#Red Flags

  • Disrespect of boundaries. Yours and their owns.

    • Theirs: shows lack of their discipline
  • Emotional games
  • Emotional manipulation
  • Entitlement
  • Guilt tripping
  • Hypocrisy
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Making excuses for everything
  • People who want a "win/lose" scenario
  • Projection of insecurities
  • Seeks "revenge" or "payback"
  • Highly competitive, in a bad way.

More

#When It's Failing

  • Self Awareness

  • Communication

  • Be conscious. Be aware.

  • Stop being reactive and automatic.

  • Requires work from both people.

#Do either of you want it to work out?

  • If you do, both of you need to figure out how.

  • Acknowledge that it is going to take work, and time.

  • Classical/Practical Me says: If you don't. End it now.

  • Romantic Me says: Fight for it. Figure out how long you can fight and sustain it for.

  • Ask each other: How is each other working on the relationship?

    • It requires efforts from both sides.
    • Fails when only one person does it.
  • Are you both going to work on it.

  • Run experiments to figure out how to work with each other.

#When You Think It's Failing

Ask yourself:

  • What is your relationship with yourself?
  • Do you love yourself?
  • What is your sense of self worth?
  • What about yourself are you projecting?
  • What are you projecting?
  • What fears are you projecting? Why?
  • What are your childhood wounds?
  • Who do you get relationship advice from?
  • Are you better of as friends?

#When They Think It's Failing

  • Do they love themselves?
  • What insecurity are they projecting about themselves?
  • What are their childhood wounds?
  • Who do you they relationship advice from?

#Both of You

  • How much hard work are you willing to put into this relationship?
  • What hard work are both of you going to put in?
  • The more out of sync you are, the more hard work both of you are going to have to put in.
  • See section above on "Starting a New Relationship"

#The Fun

  • Don't forget to have fun.

  • Learn how to have fun with each other.

  • Learn to play with each other play.

#The Hard Work

  • It might not work out.
  • It will take time.

    • Do you have the patience?
    • Do you have the energy?
    • Do you have the resources?
  • It's going to me be more scientific/analytical. Less Romantic. Brace for it.
  • It's not just going to work if you hope for it to. You have to work on it.
  • Share learnings. Communicate what works, and what doesn't work.

#Exercises

Do these together.

If you don't want to work together, your relationship is going to fail. You have to work as a team.

#For the Romantics

  • This is going to be dry. It's going to be harder work for you. It's not a Disney fairy tale. You are going to both have to work at it.

#Taking a Break

  • Respect the boundaries.
  • A period of no expectations from one another.
  • Gives fresh perspective.
  • Get some breathing room.
  • Get back to healthy levels.
  • Set a check in time.
  • Work on yourself. Remember who you are.
  • Spend some time on yourself.
  • Work on the relationship.
  • Don't cheat on each other.
  • Don't date around.
  • Spend some time being independent.
  • Get to know what you want. What you need.
  • Come back with a plan to work together.

#Keep In View

  • Sometimes it's better to be happily alone, than in a miserable relationship.

    • Sure it's nicer to be with someone, but is that misery worth it?

#Resources

#Books

#The School Of Life